Im at strip club and am horny
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize