I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
should my penis look like a turkey
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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