Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
