I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
