final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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