Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
