I need to stop coming to work sober
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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