if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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