my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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