After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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