You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize