he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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