Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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