road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
