is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Sorry about my life...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
