Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
