If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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