Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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