I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
