I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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