i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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