I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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