Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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