i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
