i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
