Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
