i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
