he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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