I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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