I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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