dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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