she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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