I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
