the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
