Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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