I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
