This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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