I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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