turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
