Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
