Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
