i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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