I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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