Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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