HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
