I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
