just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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