omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
