i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize