I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
