I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
