i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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