Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
