What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
