things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
