youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize