My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
