I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize