I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
